Posts: 12

I have to boys who are 3 years apart, and both are ADD. They are not Hyper, so that is a relief, but really only have problems concentrating in school. They take medication while in school- but I have problems at home when they are not on medication! I know that they cannot help themselves, but at the same time, I need to discipline inappropriate behavior. Any good suggestions for this? I feel like a broken record, and often I am angered as a last resort. It wears me out! Thanks!

Posts: 46

You have faced complex problem indeed. It's great you know what is happening to your kids, but unfortunately even though medications are often prescribed it might not be the best option. And also, of course, it works only while they are on medications. Most articles I've read state that effective treatment for ADD should also include education, exercise, behavior therapy, support at home and school, proper nutrition. Moreover, treatment can make a dramatic difference in your child’s symptoms. With the right support, your child can get on track for success in all areas of life. But those are just general words of course. Specifically this seems to be about how you believe in and support your child and how you take care of yourself to stay capable of doing first. So, healthy nutrition, a lot of attention and support, common activities - both physical and mental, a a lot of love. So while ADD is not caused by bad parenting, good parenting strategies can go a long way in correcting problem behaviors. You boys need structure, consistency, clear communication, and rewards and consequences for their behavior. They also need lots of love, support, and encouragement.

There is no quick recipe unfortunately - it's a matter of attitude. So probably the most complex is to change your own way of dealing with them, your own way of thinking. And to allocate enough time to do it, which could be the hardest problem.

Posts: 12

I completely agree. My husband and I were the type that didn't believe in ADD...we thought it was a problem with parenting or discipline. Of course, we end up in that situation! We did not want to use medication at all. Our youngest son is in 1st grade, and he has more symptoms, none are behavioral, I mean not acting out or innaproprite, or "bad". He just cannot concentrate or focus, and gets angry easily. He is very smart, but cannot deal with things in the best manner, resorts to anger. He has been this way since he was a baby. So we tried the lowest dosage of metadate (10mg)...and it has not had any side effects. I tried all natural diet, all the things I read, and none of that changed anything. And, he has a very healthy, diet, always has, so I didn't think that was it. Once we saw improvement in his school work, and started reading about ADD more, we started to realize that our older son, who is in 4th grade may have it as well! His symptoms are much milder, and only has a couple of them. He is in the gifted program, and until 3rd grade was able to hide his problem. Once work at school got harder, he changed, his whole temperment seemed to change! We could not get to the bottom of it. His teachers kept telling us to take him out of gifted. So, when I talked to them about it, they agreed he had signs of ADD...so we then tried the lowest dose of metadate for him. And it is working for him extremely well. No side effects for him, either. The only problem, when they are at home( no meds on weekends, only while in school) they still exhibit the behaviors! And I must not be approaching in the right way....I am thinking of having them start some sort of therapy. But I don't know where to start. I asked the school counselor to see them once a week, but I don't think it is doing anything. I just want everyone to be happy again!!! And, I am also worried about any residual effect of taking medication. I and my husband would rather them not take medication....Thanks!

Posts: 46

I was reading your message and recollecting how it was for me when I was in school. Of course, that was long ago and I don't remember it that good But still, probably, we all had such signs - somebody milder, somebody not. Just at those times nobody really paid attention to it. But I remember when things changed for me. It was in tween age and I was not very successful in school - just ordinary results, not more than that. But then it happened that someday I have found that my quarterly results were significantly better than before - it just happened so, I didn't do anything special. But it was the inspiration, which changed my attitude and helped me to develop all the qualities I needed to achieve much more.

So what I am about is that of course meds can make things better - for some time. But they don't change the background and don't influence the reasons of ADD or any other such problem. Still medications should be used to help everybody cope with it, but we should also do something to help our kids get out of this circle. Maybe inspired by parents and supported and loved they could work this out for themselves? For now they are in some negative loop - bad results lead to bad mood, which leads to even worse results. But if they would get to positive loop - it would be vice versa - good results would lead to those even better.

I am not a doctor and don't even know whether it might work, but it seems to me that maybe if there would be some mental activity, which would be extremely interesting for them and would be fun then your boys would work hard to progress in it and while doing it they will also develop some of their qualities. Like... I don't know - intellectual (board) games, chess etc. Even poker would work for this! You could say try to play a chess game with them just for fun, with no competition. Maybe they might be interested in the game and it would make them concentrate on it. So the idea is to find something to inspire them try hard and have fun.

Posts: 12

Yes, that is what the doctor says the medication will do. It will help them have confidence when they see themselves excelling again. And then it will give them a basis to learn to cope with things on their own. Basically, what it boils down to is that they are a few years behind their peers in these areas, and at some point, will catch up and not need help. My oldest son, the one in gifted, is very good at sports, and last year all of a sudden declared he hated playing baseball and did not want to ever play sports again. We have talked to him about this a lot, and he just does not want to do anything extracurricular. We have told him this is not healthy, that he needs to play team sports, etc. He plays all the time at home (we don't have kids in our neighborhood, so plays alone or with his brother). We have told him he cannot quit things, so have made him play. But we don't want him unhappy or fighting with us each time we leave to play! So we let him not play this spring, but told him he has to play a sport in the fall. He is a tricky one!He enjoys games, and likes to play them. We love him a lot, and let him know. We are just confused, and I think he is as well.

Posts: 46

Sure! Maybe the worst thing would be to persist too much. But the best would be to understand him and you are trying to do it. Moreover, only if you agree with them inside your soul and would like to sincerely understand his intentions - only if he will feel it (and you can't fool him on this) - only then, maybe, after some time he will be able to be sincere with you about his feelings and reasons to make such decisions.

I remember when our son was a newborn he was very hard to deal with. He was fighting for attention, was very very exacting. We were trying to give him as much of our love and attention as we could while trying to keep the relationships healthy. It was very hard and I recollect the first year as the hardest time in my life. But now things are different and as he knows he is supported and loved he is fine to experiment and take risk. And to share wins and losses with us.

Probably something similar with you as well - very hard time and complex to keep the balance. But it seems to be the only chance to help him develop himself.

Also, as he has more free time now maybe some education-related activities might be of interest for him? Btw, in 4th grade he might already be interested in finances - so "monopoly" or something more contemporary like CashFlow game from Kiosaki might be interesting for him. And his younger brother could be involved also!

Posts: 1

Hi, I wanted to let everyone know about a new parenting iPhone/iPad app, Tantrums 911, that can help you to stop your kids tantrums and also donates money to your favorite school! Its also coming out soon for Android phones too! It has easy tips (at your fingertips) for you to stop your kids Tantrums without "giving up" or "giving in" and turn tantrums into a deeper love connection with your kids!

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Valerie

PS - "You can also tell people to see http://app.tantrums911.com for details about how to use app to get donations to schools."

Posts: 1

This must be difficult to go through and it makes it more difficult to discipline them because of the disorder. I guess, you can start with learning everything about the disorder and start from there. Getting to know about their disorder will help you on how to proceed in disciplining them. As for the disciplining bit, I found an article that suggested some tips to handle it like; acknowledge your teen’s positive behaviors, remember to not fight back and there are a lot more. If you are interested, check this out. Good luck.